


Hold on Tight and Don't Let Go

by fiddleyoumust



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 13:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiddleyoumust/pseuds/fiddleyoumust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold on Tight and Don't Let Go

This is an old story, one Spencer's heard a hundred times if he's heard it once, and everyone always tells it the same. It goes like this: Ryan and Spencer grow up together, best friends since they were in kindergarten, and all that jazz. They meet Brent, and Brent brings in Brendon, and then Ryan's first girlfriend cheats on him, and Ryan scribbles angsty lyrics onto lined paper. Ryan gets a cold; Brendon sings for him, and Ryan listens. Eventually, he makes Pete Wentz listen, too, and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

They always tell it the same, but that's not how it really happened.

 

In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. It's a ridiculous thing for Spencer to feel, because Brendon has stupid hair and he's more hyperactive than a Chihuahua puppy and he's Mormon and a _virgin_. Spencer's chances are pretty much nonexistent.

 

Still, that's how it happens. So, yeah, everyone knows this story, except for how they don't.

 

In Europe, Brendon loses his virginity to Siska and Spencer's glad. He is. He's glad it wasn't some random groupie, and Siska is _nice_ , and he doesn't break Brendon's heart, and if Spencer goes out after it happens and fucks Tom, Bill and Mike to make himself feel better? Well, no one really notices, except maybe Ryan. Brendon certainly doesn't.

 

On Truck Stops Brendon starts fucking Brent, and Spencer's pretty sure that's a monumentally stupid idea.

"They're going to fuck up the band," Spencer says to Ryan after he's pushed his way into Ryan's bunk. Ryan moves over and raises his eyebrow and goes back to texting whoever he's texting. Probably Jac.

Ryan isn't fooled, and that's great. Spencer's jealous. He knows this, but it doesn't make his statement any less true.

"I know what you're thinking," Spencer says pissily. "But it doesn't have anything to do with that."

It does, and Ryan knows it does. "You wouldn't be saying it if he was having a lot of really loud sex with you."

The real problem is that Brendon is gay, like all-the-way Liberace kinds of gay, and Brent's... not, as far as Spencer can tell. Brent has a girlfriend that he talks to every second he's not on stage or putting his dick up Brendon's ass. Brent talks about her in terms of forevers, and picket fences, and babies he'll sign up for Little League some day. Brent isn't gay, and there's just no way in hell this is going to end well.

"When it all comes crashing down around us and we end up back in Vegas working with Brendon at the Smoothie King, I want you to remember this conversation."

Ryan rolls his eyes, but he looks a little bit worried.

 

Spencer meets Haley on Truck Stops after the Chicago show, and he falls pretty god damn hard, because she's pretty and sweet and calm and everything that Brendon Fucking Urie _isn't_. It's one of those cliché teenage romances where they have too much sex and not enough conversations and everything around them dims and blurs until all they can see is each other. Sometimes Spencer's chest gets so tight he can't breathe just from thinking about her.

He falls in love with Haley and and it doesn't have anything to do with the way Brendon looks at Brent when Brent isn't paying attention. It doesn't have anything to do with Brendon at all. Except for how it does.

 

Brent leaves them a few months later. He and Brendon aren't fucking anymore. In fact, they're barely speaking, and Ryan takes Brendon's side, because Brendon is really good at acting like the injured party.

Spencer doesn't take sides, because Brendon and Brent are both stupid fucking idiots, but at least Brendon is a stupid fucking idiot who shows up for work. They fire Brent, and Spencer does all the talking because Ryan looks like he wants to be sick, and Brendon? Despite Brendon's utter stupidity, and Haley's existence, Spencer's still a little bit in love with Brendon, so he gives him a free pass.

It's Brendon's idea to call Jon, and something in Spencer's gut clutches and twists with a nastiness Spencer easily identifies as jealousy. But, it's a common enough feeling when Spencer's dealing with Brendon and his easy affection for anything male and remotely hot, so Spencer shrugs it off and calls Jon.

"Come play with us for a while," he says and Jon says, "Sure, okay." Spencer can practically see the bored shrug.

So, they ask, and Jon says yes. They all agree that it's temporary because Jon fits in with their band like Brendon would fit in with the NFL. It's not going to work for the long term, and they all know it.

Except somehow, it does.

 

Like Brent and Brendon, this is another part of the story they tend to leave out, because now that some time has passed, Spencer can admit it was a monumentally stupid thing to do. Plus, Haley sort of deserves her anonymity these days. It's the least Spencer can do.

They've barely been dating six months when they do it.

She comes for Thanksgiving, and Spencer wants to show her his town, wants her to meet his parents and his sisters and see where he grew up. Spencer wants her to do everything, so long as it's with him.

He meets her at the airport, and she looks tired, exhausted, and he knows she's probably been up all night fighting with her parents. They didn't want her to come, and Spencer can't blame them. She's still only seventeen, and Spencer is in a band from Vegas, and if those aren't enough reasons to try and stop her, Spencer doesn't know what is.

Spencer doesn't know what she says, but they let her come, and it's Thanksgiving break, so Spencer has five days to do as much as they can before she has to be back home for school on Monday.

At the airport, they don't really speak, just murmured hellos, and Spencer gets her bag from the carousel when Haley points it out. Spencer drives and Haley rests her head on his shoulder and she's asleep before he makes it out of the airport parking lot.

His mother loves Haley; of course she does, because Spencer loves Haley, and his mother means it when she says things like, "I only ever want you to be happy, Spencer."

Spencer is happy, happier than he's ever been, happiest.

He's got his band, and he's got this great girl, and this great life, and if sometimes he looks at Brendon sitting across from him on their bus and yearns for things he'll never have, well, he'll learn to live with it. He _has_ learned to live with it.

 

They go with Brendon and Ryan for dinner and a round of mini golf on Friday, and Brendon hangs all over Ryan like a baby opossum on its mother's back. They're a ridiculously tactile band, and Ryan is used to it, so he doesn't shrug Brendon off like Spencer wishes he would. Spencer pulls Haley a little bit closer and tries really hard to curb the urge to punch both Brendon and Ryan in their faces.

When they're done, Ryan ditches out to go to some party and leaves Spencer and Haley to deposit Brendon at his apartment. Brendon calls shotgun because he's really secretly five years old, and he has no idea what the word _boundaries_ even means. He smacks a quick kiss on Spencer's cheek when he jumps out of the car and Spencer knows it doesn't mean anything, but he can feel his cheek tingling where Brendon's lips touched his skin.

 

 

He shows Haley the sights on Saturday, and they get drunk together on the roof of his parents house and make love under the stars, the shingles digging into Spencer's back as Haley rides him slow and languid. When she throws her head back and comes, Spencer stops breathing and his heart clenches so hard he thinks he might cry. He knows it's fucked up, stupid, utterly wrong, but sometimes, just the fact that she can make him forget Brendon exists, if only for a moment, makes Spencer love her even more.

"I don't want to leave," Haley says later, laying on top of him, their skin stuck together with sweat and spit.

"Let's get married," Spencer says, and he's not sure Haley hears him over the loud beating of his own heart until she curls her fingers into the curve of his shoulder where her hand is resting and lifts her head to crush their mouths together. Every time they break apart to pull in a ragged breath she whispers, "Yes," before their lips press in again.

 

They go to finish the tour, and it's easier than Spencer thought it would be. Spencer doesn't look at Brendon; not when Brendon's on stage flirting with Ryan and Jon, not when he's on the bus schooling Ryan at Guitar Hero, not when he's laying across the couch, head in Jon's lap and feet in Spencer's.

"Rub my feet," Brendon says, and Spencer rolls his eyes and focuses harder on whatever is happening on The OC episode Jon's got playing. Spencer rubs Brendon's feet completely against his will and doesn't look at Brendon at all, because he asked Haley to marry him and he meant it, and looking at Brendon now would be really, really wrong.

 

Being engaged isn't much different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. It's easy, despite the distance, mostly because they're both so in love they can't even hate the miles, the long days and weeks between stolen kisses and sweaty sex. Whatever problems the distance makes crumble away with a text message or a phone call or a plane ride.

 

When the tour ends, they take a few weeks off before they head up to the cabin to try and write the new album.

"Come to Vegas," Spencer says into the phone on his first night back. "Come be with me."

"Yeah. Yes," Haley says. "I can come for a few days."

"No," Spencer says. "Come _be with me_."

"I can't," she says. "I have to finish school."

Spencer nods because yes. She has to finish school, but he misses her. He wants her and he knows it's selfish, but he doesn't care.

 

Spencer buys a house and puts Haley's name on the deed next to his and then puts the deed in his sock drawer and puts it out of his mind.

 

Spencer drives to Brendon's where they're supposed to meet Jon and Ryan. They're heading up to the cabin today and Brendon's complex has enough parking for them to all leave their cars.

Brendon is eating Pixi Stix and drinking Red Bull while smoking a joint on his balcony when Spencer gets to his apartment.

"I think you're doing it wrong," Spencer says straddling one of the cheap plastic chairs Brendon keeps on his porch.

Brendon shrugs and offers Spencer his Red Bull. Spencer snags the joint out of Brendon's hand instead.

"Where's Shane?" he asks, and Brendon shrugs and stares at the sun, squinting, his eyes wrinkling at the corners.

"He got a girlfriend," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks maybe he catches something in Brendon's voice, something sad or wistful, and Spencer gets that familiar sour feeling in his stomach.

 

They go a little crazy up there. Spencer tries a lot of drugs he's never tried before, smokes a lot of weed and drinks a lot of alcohol. It's interesting, but not really productive. They don't make any music, and Spencer worries that they don't have anything to say anymore until he sees Brendon scribbling furiously at the kitchen counter one morning.

Spencer likes to watch Brendon up here. It feels like he can, because it's just the four of them and there's nothing but his own conscience to tell him that it's wrong. He's always been pretty good at ignoring that anyway.

Brendon doesn't seem to mind when he catches Spencer doing it, either, and if it makes Spencer's breath catch in his throat and his fingers itch to touch, he ignores that too.

Spencer has denial down to a _science_.

"What are you doing?" Spencer asks, flopping down in the chair next to Brendon and leaning over to rest his head on Brendon's shoulder.

Brendon nuzzles a little with his cheek over Spencer's hair, and Spencer closes his eyes for a second and lets himself believe it's more than just normal affection between band mates.

"Lyrics," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks _huh_.

"About what?" Spencer asks.

"You, me, all of us," Brendon says without looking up.

 _Huh_.

 

It's like being married, Spencer thinks, being in a band. It's like being married to three other dudes who you don't have sex with.

Of course, it's not like Spencer wouldn't have _jumped_ at the chance before Brendon nearly fucked everything up by fucking Brent; before Spencer met Haley. Now? Well, he doesn't have sex with his band. It's not a rule or anything, but it's just a pretty good idea to not fuck your friends, especially ones you're going to have to work with after the fucking is over.

Spencer likes to think he knows each of them pretty well. They've lived on top of each other for two years, and Spencer has learned how to navigate the waters, how to communicate, how to speak Ryan and Brendon and Jon.

Ryan is intense and sweet and so goddamn earnest he sometimes borders on the ridiculous. His childhood was shitty, but not any shittier than most people's, and a whole hell of a lot better than some. Still, Spencer thinks music really did save his life, in that Ryan always feels things are worse than they are, and Spencer isn't so sure he wouldn't have done something monumentally stupid if there hadn't been words spilling from a radio telling him to hold on for one more day.

Brendon is not Ryan, and Brendon's childhood wasn't shitty until it was. Spencer knows it must have hurt to have the people he loved most in the world lose faith in him, but Brendon never shows it, never lets his smile fall. In the beginning, Spencer thought it must have been an act, but Brendon is guileless in almost everything . He's incapable of hiding from anyone, even the fans, and finally Spencer figured out that music is his life. He would have paid any price to do this, and so the one he paid wasn't so bad. He would have given up more.

Jon loves music the way some people love football. He knows artists like they know players, knows songs like they know statistics, knows chords like they know plays. It's in his blood and he's in it and Spencer knows he'll still be doing this long after Panic is nothing but a distant memory waiting for its turn to take up play time on the oldies station. Jon hates the bullshit and loves the music and has zero patience for the first and an unquenchable need to explore the other.

These are the people Spencer loves, and they love him, know him backward and forward and inside out. They know everything about him except one thing, and he feels bad about it for a fraction of a second before he remembers he's allowed to have some things for himself. There are some secrets that should be kept. Spencer knows that unspoken rule better than anyone, knows it every time he looks at Haley, every time his eyes linger too long on Brendon. Some things can't be shared, shouldn't be shared. Not even in a marriage. Not even in a band.

 

Ryan calls for a break, and Spencer doesn't want to argue. He misses Haley, and Jon misses Cassie, and Ryan misses Keltie, and Brendon clutches his notebook to his chest and looks out the window and shrugs his shoulders.

So, they go home, and Jon comes back a month later with Cassie in tow. It's Haley's birthday weekend and Spencer flies her out, and they barbecue in Ryan's backyard, and Keltie and Haley let Brendon put highlights in their hair. After, they all lay in the grass and drink beer until they can't feel their lips anymore.

Spencer fucks Haley in Ryan's spare bedroom. It's messy and he comes before she does, has to replace his cock with fingers and work her through her own orgasm, thumb pressing down on her clit.

"Spencer, Spencer, Spencer," she says again and again, and Spencer thinks, _yes, I'm right here, always right here_.

Haley stops shaking eventually and she runs her fingers through Spencer's hair and says, "I'm eighteen now."

Spencer smiles and kisses her mouth, humming in the back of his throat. "I have something for you," he says and it takes him a minute to find the envelope in his bag. He hands it to her with shaking hands and when she sees her eyes get large.

"You're giving me your house?" she asks, her voice full of surprise.

"Our house," Spencer says. "I want it to be our house."

"So, you still want to..." Haley looks at him hopefully and Spencer says, "Yes. Of course. I love you, so, so much."

 

They go the next day and apply for a marriage license, and then they go furniture shopping. Haley wants to decorate, wants to buy things they pick out together. Spencer goes with her and learns what she looks like when she likes something, when she loves something, when she can't live without something. They buy a couch, brown leather with brass buttons up the arms and square wooden legs with carvings etched in by hand.

It's the most beautiful, comfortable piece of furniture Spencer's ever owned, and Spencer's ego takes a little beating when Haley's eyes flit from the couch to Spencer, and he realizes the look in her eyes is the same one she gives him after she comes.

He tries to seduce her on it the night it gets delivered. She laughs and pushes him off of her and leads him up to what is going to be their bedroom when she finally moves in.

He doesn't hold it against her. It's a really nice couch.

 

They do it the night before she flies home and no one comes. No one knows. Not even Ryan.

 

They hang out a lot in Ryan's backyard and nothing gets done. They go swimming and they smoke a lot of weed and they talk about how constricted they feel.

"Let's go in the water," Jon says finishing his beer and Ryan nods his agreement. Spencer wrinkles his nose and spreads out in a lounge chair next to Brendon.

Brendon's shoulder blades are already red, the back of his neck starting to turn pink, and Spencer contemplates the sunblock on the ground next to his lounger and wonders if he can get away with putting some of it on Brendon's back. He's not even sure Brendon would wake up if he tried, and he's almost resolved to quit being a pussy and just do it when Brendon says, "We should go practice tomorrow. I miss just playing to play."

Spencer jumps a little and then let's out an embarrassed laugh before he points out, "We don't have anything _to_ practice."

"Let's just play, Spencer. Don't you wanna play?"

Spencer does. He makes Brendon put on a shirt, and they go to tell the others.

 

They get high first. Of course they do. Spencer likes his band, but he really _loves_ his band when they're high. They play for hours and hours and Spencer doesn't know where his phone is or how long they've been here, but it feels like forever. He decides it's time for a break.

"I love you, Brendon," Spencer says, because he can like this. It doesn't have to mean anything when he's like this. Brendon looks up from behind Spencer's drum kit to where Spencer is sprawled on the floor. His eyes are wide and confused until he sees the bong in Spencer's hand, and then he smiles.

"Dude, you are so stoned," Brendon says. He comes around from behind the kit to lie on the floor next to Spencer. Spencer tucks his fingers into Brendon's hair and smiles when Brendon pushes up into the touch like a cat. After a few minutes Brendon takes the bong from Spencer's hand and takes a hit.

"What time is it?" Jon says from across the room. "It feels like we've been here for days."

"It's like seven in the afternoon, or something," Spencer says thoughtfully.

Brendon giggles next to him and croons softly, "Your eyes are the size of the moooooon," his voice warbling on the final word.

Jon and Spencer laugh together but Ryan says, "Wait, wait. Oh my god you guys. Wait!"

They stay for hours longer, writing and playing and pounding out rhythms, and no one asks what time it is again.

 

Jon wants to go for drinks, but Keltie has a job in New York on Wednesday, and this is her last night in Vegas. Brendon has plans with Shane and Regan, and that leaves Spencer to go with him even though he'd really rather go home.

An hour later they're both drunk and Spencer is still a little stoned. "Man, dude," he says because they have a whole song. One song and Spencer feels like he's flying, like something is finally breaking free.

"I know," Jon says, nodding and smiling, and Spencer loves Jon when he's drunk. He smiles more, laughs harder, makes everything warmer and better. It's sort of amazing, because Jon is easily one of Spencer's favorite people without alcohol, but with it he's a purring kitten.

Spencer smiles at Jon and says, "I'm so happy, man. Everything is so fucking amazing."

"So, happy," Jon says smacking an enthusiastic kiss on Spencer's cheek.

Spencer smiles and he's warm and he's with one of his best friends and they made music today, _together_ , and he just wants to tell someone. He just wants someone else to be as happy as he is. "Haley and I got married," Spencer says suddenly. "Last week before she flew home, we just went out and got married."

Jon smiles for a second, like maybe Spencer's telling a joke, until Spencer stays silent for longer than it takes to get to a punch line. "You what?" Jon asks, voice full of disbelief.

Spencer suddenly doesn't feel as happy. In fact, he's feeling a little bit sick looking at the look on Jon's face. "We got married," Spencer says again.

"You... what?" Jon says shaking his head. "Why would you do that?"

Spencer blinks a couple of times and swallows hard. "We're in love," he says and is pleased that his voice comes out strong, sure.

"Well, duh," Jon says, but he's not being funny. His words are clipped and short, and he looks angry, which is a weird look on Jon Walker.

"Jon, Jon, it's fine. We're happy. We're so happy. Everything is fine." Spencer is a little bit irritated that he feels like he has to justify anything to Jon.

"Did you... Fuck, Spencer. Does Ryan know?"

Spencer shakes his head. "No one knows. Not my parents, not her parents, no one but you."

Jon blinks a couple of times and then swallows down the rest of his Jack Daniels. "You. Fuck, Spencer, I'm sorry. I'm a little shocked right now. I mean, what the fuck were you thinking?"

Spencer can feel the anger, snapping like an aggressive dog. "Fuck you," Spencer says. Spencer goes to get up, and Jon puts his palm on Spencer's shoulder to hold him still.

"Spencer, man, just give me a second here. I'm freaking out a little," Jon says apologetically.

Spencer shrugs Jon's hand from his shoulder, but he sits back down, neither of them speaking until the bartender makes another pass and Jon orders them both another round.

"Don't get mad," Jon says, and Spencer feels his shoulders tense, Jon's words having the opposite effect than the one intended. "You're only nineteen, Spence. I just don't understand what the rush was."

"I love her. She loves me," Spencer says like that explains everything, and it does. It does. Haley is the best thing in Spencer's life, and considering Spencer's life is pretty fucking incredible without her, that's saying something.

"I love Cassie, man, but I'm not proposing. Things change, people change. Just... tell me you at least talked to a lawyer, had her sign a prenup."

Spencer punches Jon in the face.

 

Ryan comes over the next morning looking furious and worried and annoyed that he's been made to have so many expressions this early in the morning.

"You hit Jon," Ryan says, pushing past him and into the kitchen.

Spencer breathes a sigh of relief, because if Jon told Ryan what the fight was about, he and Ryan would be having an entirely different conversation. "I did," Spencer says.

"You want to tell me why?" Ryan snaps impatiently.

"Not really," Spencer says.

Ryan looks shocked and he actually takes a step back. "Since when do we keep secrets from each other?" Ryan asks.

Spencer feels the words like a blow. Ryan's always known just how to manipulate him and guilt him, and Spencer sighs, because he already knows he's lost this particular round. "It's between me and Jon," Spencer says gently. "But,I'll fix it. Where is he?"

"Brendon's," Ryan says softer, but still short, still hurt.

"Okay," Spencer says.

 

Jon pours him coffee and hands it over, and Spencer knows that's the only sorry he's going to get. They both drink their cups quietly while Jon does the crossword and Spencer reads the local pages.

Brendon comes in a few minutes later and steals the comics from Jon. Spencer gets up and goes into the kitchen to pour Brendon a cup of coffee and sets it down in front of him. "I love you," Brendon says earnestly as he takes greedy sips. He hisses as the liquid burns his tongue and Spencer watches, heart beating in his throat as Brendon's tongue flits out over his bottom lip.

Spencer distracts himself by picking up Jon's empty cup up along with his own. He gets them both refills, and when he sets the cup in front of Jon, Jon looks up and says, "I love you too, you know?"

Spencer blinks, and swallows, and squeezes Jon's wrist quickly. "I know, and you know, me too," he says.

Spencer turns to look at Brendon, who is watching both of them, eyes lingering on the bruise along Jon's jawline, and Spencer can feel the thickness that's settled over the room. Everything is heavy and awkward with things unsaid, and he swallows hard and looks at Brendon, pleading with his eyes until Brendon sticks his lip out and says, "Guys. Guys! Why doesn't anyone love me? I'm clearly the adorable one here."

Jon snorts and reaches across the table to ruffle Brendon's hair. "I don't know, Bren; Spencer's pretty adorable."

"No, Jon. No! Spencer _was_ adorable, but he has a beard now. A beard!" Brendon says mournfully. "No one can be adorable with a beard."

"That's true," Spencer says, trying not to smile.

"I mean he could be sexy, or manly, or ruggedly handsome, but I clearly have cornered the market on adorable."

"Clearly," Jon says. "Well, in that case, you're right. It's downright scandalous that we don't love you."

"You are a cruel, cruel liar, Jon Walker. You love me best of all," Brendon says not even bothering to hide his delighted smile.

"I don't know," Jon says. "Spencer is pretty amazing, too." Jon looks at Spencer and smiles, and Spencer smiles back, and just like that they're both forgiven.

"Well, I could argue," Brendon says happily. "But I am not a cruel, cruel liar."

Jon laughs again and goes back to his crossword, and when Brendon beams at Spencer from across the table, Spencer mouths, "Thank you."

 

Haley graduates, and Spencer flies to Illinois and they sit down in her parents' living room. Haley thinks it's best to wait to tell them about the marriage, and since Spencer's not particularly looking forward to the dropping of that bomb, he agrees. Still, he's nervous. He's essentially whisking these people's daughter off to Sin City two weeks after she's graduated from high school and he really, really doesn't want her parents to hate him. He links his fingers tightly with Haley's even as he thinks, _They can't stop us. She's eighteen now. We're married_.

The don't try, anyway, and Haley's mother even gives Spencer a tentative hug.

 

Spencer has to go. He's supposed to be meeting the guys at their practice space in less than an hour. He's excited, ready to work and to have fun and keep building on the momentum they started with the first song.

But he can't stop kissing Haley, and every time she tries to shove him out the door, he turns around and kisses her again. "Go!" She finally says, laughing high and bright when he leans back in for one last kiss. "I'll be right here when you get back."

"Because you live here," Spencer says, smiling.

Haley rolls her eyes and nods. "Yes," she says.

"With me," Spencer says. "Because you looove me."

Haley giggles and smiles and says, "I question my sanity most days," but she leans in and kisses Spencer breathless anyway. "Now hurry up and go make music so you can come back to me."

Spencer gets in his car.

 

They continue to write music together everywhere; in Ryan's backyard, Spencer's kitchen, their old studio space where they first practiced with Jon, where he first became _theirs_. Spencer gets up every morning and kisses Haley goodbye, and he meets his best friends and they make music together and everything feels new and bright, except for how it all feels exactly the same. Spencer has never been happier in his life.

Brendon gets quiet after a particularly long day in their practice space, and if it was Ryan or even Jon, Spencer wouldn't notice, but it's _Brendon_ and Brendon does quiet like cats do baths, which is to say not at all.

"What are you doing?" Spencer asks him for what feels like the millionth time.

Brendon slams his notebook closed and shakes his head before he says, "Nothing."

Spencer sighs and sits down on the couch next to him. "You ever going to show me what you're working on?"

Brendon swallows and shrugs and then passes the notebook over to Spencer. It feels like Brendon is sharing a secret with him and it feels intimate, different than when Ryan shares what he's working on. There are lyrics littered throughout the pages, tucked in between melodies and riffs, and Spencer flips the pages slowly, pays attention, because this is important. When he's done, he feels a little lonely; happy, but kind of unsettled. He thinks he must be feeling what Brendon's feeling.

"You should show these to Ryan," Spencer says when he passes the notebook back.

"Maybe it's... They're just silly little ditties," Brendon says, but it sounds like someone else's words, and Spencer is going to kill George Ryan Ross to death.

 

Spencer finds Ryan and Jon playing guitar together in Ryan's backyard. "Ryan, I'm here to kill you."

Ryan looks decidedly unconcerned, even smirks before he says, "Aren't you becoming our own little Conan."

"Did you tell Brendon his songs were crap?"

"What? No," Ryan says. "I liked them. I told him I liked them."

"You called them _little ditties_ ," Spencer says through gritted teeth.

Jon nods sagely and says, "You did, Ryan. You did call them that."

Ryan's eyes get wide and he tries to make them pool and plead like Brendon but he's really lousy at it. "But they _are_ little ditties, Spence. They're not even full-fledged songs."

The thing about Ryan and Brendon is that they come at music from completely different places, and while Ryan loves what music can _mean_ , Brendon loves how music makes him _feel_. They love each other, and they respect each other, but they don't necessarily _get_ each other. Sometimes it makes Spencer's head hurt.

It doesn't help that Brendon has spent his entire life trying to make sure everyone loves and approves of him, while simultaneously insisting on doing exactly as he pleases. Sometimes, Spencer thinks Brendon must have more personalities than the worst case of DID on record. It's probably pretty exhausting, which totally explains all the Red Bull Brendon consumes.

Anyway.

Ryan is scarily intimidating, and Brendon loves Ryan, and Ryan can be the most clueless fuck that ever existed on the planet Earth. "Ryan," Spencer sighs. "Do you think you can maybe go fix Brendon now?"

"I don't even know what I did!" Ryan says incredulously.

"You insulted his songs, dude," Jon says, picking lazily at his guitar.

"I. Said. I. Liked. Them." Ryan's jaw is clenched so tight Spencer wouldn't be surprised if his teeth cracked.

Spencer taps his foot and says, " _Little ditties_ , Ryan?"

"Fine! Okay, I'll talk to him," Ryan says petulantly. "I just have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him about _his_ songs."

"He's ours," Jon says quietly.

Spencer loves Jon. Jon _gets_ things, and that is totally why Spencer loves Jon and will never, ever punch Jon in the face again. "I will never, ever, punch you in the face again," Spencer says earnestly before he turns his attention to Ryan and says, "They're his, and he's ours, Ryan. He's ours."

Ryan swallows hard and gets up to call Brendon.

 

They finish writing the album, and it ends up being incredible, different, beautiful in all the ways that they are incredible, and different, and beautiful. Spencer can hear them all in the music, and it's so different from the first album. It's more. It's better, and Spencer thinks it'll be nice if the fans like it, too, but really? It doesn't matter if they don't.

They go to Abbey Road to add the finishing touches, and then the promotional blitz starts up and Spencer finds his days are full of answering endless questions that are always the same. He lets Ryan and Jon field most of the musical ones, lets them field most of the questions period, and only says something when he has something to say, which isn't often.

Spencer is annoyed by journalists. He hates having to do this, having to explain these things when they could just play the record and find everything they're looking for anyway; from the missing punctuation, to where they are now, and where they want to go tomorrow. It's all right there in Ryan and Brendon's words, in Jon's melodies, in Spencer's beat. They don't listen, not even when Ryan answers the same question for the hundredth time. Jon gives him a reassuring look that says, _I'll answer it tomorrow._

 

He texts Haley constantly, comes home when he can, even if it would be easier to stay wherever he is. Spencer forgot what it was like to be away from her for long stretches of time. They've had a year to get used to being with each other constantly, and now they're without the cushion of newness, and lust, and the plain, crazy love they had during the last tour. It's hard. Haley doesn't complain, but Spencer can tell she maybe wants to.

"Missed you, missed you," Spencer says when he gets home from Europe. There are more interviews, concerts, then Honda Civic Tour will start and Spencer will be gone again until June, but today, tonight, for a little while, he's here and Haley doesn't waste time saying useless things like _I wish_. She just takes him to bed.

 

She comes to New York when they play SNL, and Spencer gets the nicest hotel room available, has champagne and food waiting for them, and they eat by candle light and make love a little drunk on champagne. Spencer thinks this is good, great even. Everything will be fine.

 

Something happens with Brendon, and he becomes diminished, less, unless he's drunk or on stage. Spencer hasn't quite figured out what to do about it when Jon comes to him.

"Brendon," he says, and Spencer says, "I know. Yeah."

They sit quietly for a while, and then Jon holds up his fist and puts it against his palm. They play best two out of three, and Spencer wins. Jon sighs and goes to find Brendon.

Brendon starts smiling more with his mouth, but it still doesn't reach his eyes. Jon is distant and sometimes downright frigid in interviews, and he can see Brendon take it in, can see the scars as clearly as if Jon was cutting him with glass instead of indifference.

When Spencer mentions it to Ryan, he shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know what Spencer is talking about. Spencer sighs, disgusted, because Ryan never sees anything when he's in love and right now, he's in love with Jon. Jon helped Ryan make music, make it mean something, and Spencer knows the rose-colored glasses won't be coming off anytime soon.

Spencer goes to the source. "Stop being a dick," he says.

Jon raises his eyebrow, but he makes room in the chair he's sitting in and Spencer sits down half on Jon's lap and half in the small space Jon's made for him. "Okay," Jon says into Spencer's neck and Spencer turns his face and snaps his teeth right by Jon's nose. Jon huffs a laugh and nuzzles more just to be annoying.

"You're hurting his feelings," Spencer says and Jon stops playing around, settling against the cushions of their chair.

"He's being an idiot," Jon says sensibly.

"Maybe," Spencer says. "But he's not hurting _your_ feelings."

"Yeah, okay. I'm an asshole," Jon says.

Things get better after that, a little, and Brendon smiles more with his eyes, but he saves most of them for Spencer.

Keltie meets them after the New York show, and Cassie flies in from Chicago. Haley is in Illinois for a wedding and can't come, but Shane and Regan come in from Vegas and they all go out until all the couples wander off to have sex, leaving Spencer with a very, very drunk Brendon.

Spencer takes him back to his hotel room, because he can't find Brendon's key; knowing Brendon, it's probably lying on his bed. It seems too complicated to find somewhere to prop Brendon up while trying to get another one, so he just drags him into the elevator and lays him out on his king-sized bed.

"If you puke, I will murder you in your sleep," Spencer says kindly.

Brendon smiles up at him and says, "Hi. Hi, you're pretty."

Spencer's shoulders shake with laughter, because this is Brendon's MO. He's the most affectionate drunk Spencer has ever known. "Thanks, Bren," Spencer says as he busies himself with Brendon's shoes.

"I have a seeecret," Brendon singsongs from the head of the bed. "I have a secret that only Jon knows and I'll tell you because you're so pretty, and you're nice, and I love you so much."

Spencer's stomach tenses up for a moment, because Jon knows _his_ secret, too, and Spencer knows Jon wouldn't tell. Jon's not like that. He's good and sweet, but he's also drunk half the day more often than not and sloppy with it sometimes.

"Oh?" Spencer says and hopes he sounds casual. He's going for casual here.

"I like a boy," Brendon says. "I like a boy _so much_ and Jon Walker," he says with a sneer, "Says I'm a big, loser pussy and I should man up and tell him."

"Oh," Spencer says again and now he really, really hopes he sounds casual. "Do I know him?"

"Yeah," Brendon slurs. "You know him better than anyone."

"Maybe you should tell him," Spencer says, even though his stomach is still clenched tight. He really wants to hit Ryan Ross hard in the face, because he's followed Ryan wherever Ryan's wanted to go for more years than Spencer can remember. It would be nice if Ryan didn't try and steal Spencer's unrequited crushes.

"Maybe I will," Brendon says, a moment before he starts snoring. Spencer finishes taking his pants off and then rolls him around until he has him tucked under the covers. He lays next to him for a little while, listening to his nasal breathing, and when he sees light around the edges of the window, he slips some clean jeans on and goes down the hall to Jon's room.

Cassie answers the door wearing one of those robes the hotel supplies, and she smiles and kisses Spencer's cheek and hands him some coffee in a cheap paper cup. Spencer kisses her on the mouth in thanks just as Jon opens the door to the bathroom. He stops for a second in the doorway before he smiles at Spencer and says, "Hands off my woman."

Cassie gives him a look that says Jon will be paying for that comment before the day is done. He smiles innocently at her, and Spencer can see her fighting to keep the corners of her mouth down.

"We need to talk," Spencer says, and Cassie is a dear, sweet girl, because she goes quietly to the bathroom to take her own shower without Jon even having to ask.

"What's up?" Jon says. "I know you're not up this early for your health."

"You're up early, too," Spencer says without thinking.

"I was getting laid, Smith. Were you getting laid?" Jon smiles over the rim of his coffee cup, and Spencer shrugs.

"Well, I do have a hot lead singer half-naked in my bed," Spencer deadpans.

Jon chokes on his coffee and Spencer thinks he gets a little paler, but Jon's always a little pale in the mornings. Spencer secretly thinks being permanently hung over is a the Chicagoan equivalent of a proof of purchase.

"Brendon?" Jon asks.

Spencer rolls his eyes. "No, some other lead singer. He lost his key and he was majorly fucked up, so, sleepover. Except for how I didn't get any sleep because Brendon apparently has a crush on someone and I think he maybe wants to come out... like to the world."

Jon nods and sips his coffee and Spencer drums his fingers on the table.

"So, he told you earlier this year? When he was acting weird?"

Jon averts his eyes and says, "Yeah. I mean, he kind of told me he has a thing for this guy and it's pretty serious. I told him he should man up, and he basically told me to go fuck myself."

"He's just scared," Spencer says, trying to be supportive while simultaneously despising whoever it is Brendon is interested in.

"Of us, Spence?" Jon says, and he's angry. Spencer can see it in the set of his jaw. "It's us, he doesn't have anything to be scared of," Jon says tightly.

"I don't know," Spencer says, trying to lighten the mood. "Ryan can be pretty frightening."

Jon laughs, but it's hollow and Spencer raises his eyebrow questioningly.

"It's Ryan, isn't it?" Spencer asks quietly.

"I can't," Jon says uncomfortably. "I... you have to ask him, Spence. He has as much right to his secrets as you do to yours. I just didn't want him to think we wouldn't support him if he wanted to love somebody where the whole world can see him. He deserves it, you know."

Spencer nods, and Cassie comes out of the shower, hesitating in the doorway until Spencer smiles at her. "Yeah, Jon's woman. We're done."

Cassie hits him on the arm.

 

Brendon acts like he doesn't remember anything, and he was pretty drunk, so Spencer lets him for a little while. They have a day off after Boston, mostly spent on the road and getting through customs and into Canada, but at least it's a day where they don't have to put on a show.

Spencer latches on to the opportunity and climbs into Brendon's bunk with him. Brendon just scoots over and makes room and Spencer takes a deep breath and starts talking. "So I think we should have a band meeting and we should tell Ryan you want to come out," he says.

Brendon freezes like Spencer hit the pause button. His lips make this adorable little O; his eyes go round and big, and he turns them on Spencer. Brendon is _not_ lousy at the puppy eyes. "I... He'll..." Brendon puts his face in his hands and shakes his head. "What if he hates me?"

Spencer snorts. "As if that's even a possibility. You said yourself that you are completely adorable. Not even the heartless Ryan Ross is impervious to the Brendon Urie charm."

Brendon smiles, but it's not real, not Brendon's _true_ smile, and Spencer puts his palm on Brendon's lower back and rubs soothingly. "We love you, Bren, even Ryan; even when he's being the most annoying, insufferable, stubborn person on the planet, he still loves you."

Brendon knows this. Spencer knows that Brendon knows this, but Spencer's pretty sure no one ever lives their life thinking they've been told they're loved too often. "Okay," Brendon whispers. "Let's have a band meeting."

Spencer promises to hold his hand.

 

Jon ends up holding his other one and Ryan looks a little green and a lot worried. He shoots Spencer looks and Spencer tries to send soothing waves back to him. He wants to make things better, but it has to be Brendon that says it or it isn't getting said at all.

"So," Brendon says calmly, looking anywhere but at Ryan. "I'm gay."

Ryan blinks a couple of times and then his cheeks flood with color and his voice booms out angry and annoyed, "Oh, for Christ's sake, tell me something I don't know. I thought someone was _dying_ or something. Don't ever do this to me again, or I will have Zack tie all of you to the top of the bus."

Spencer smirks a little, and then Jon says, "He isn't finished, Ryan. Jesus." He sounds so annoyed that Spencer's smirk turns into a full-fledged smile.

Ryan quiets and Brendon swallows before he blurts out quickly, "Iwanttocomeout."

Ryan pales again at that. He can't say no. Spencer knows he can't say no, but Spencer also knows he wants to say it. The thing is, if he did, Brendon wouldn't come out. He just wouldn't, but Ryan doesn't say it, and Spencer doesn't think he's ever loved Ryan more.

Jon goes with Brendon to call Pete, because Ryan loves Brendon, but Ryan isn't a masochist and he isn't going to listen to Pete laugh at them for half an hour, not even for Brendon.

"I love you, Ryan Ross," Spencer says, before he tugs Ryan into his arms and hugs him.

"Shut up," Ryan says fiercely. "If he ruins us, I am totally haunting your ass after I'm dead. I'll keep you up at night. I'll _sing_ ," Ryan threatens.

Spencer hugs him tighter. "You're a good friend," Spencer says.

"Shut up," Ryan hisses. "I hate you."

Spencer kisses his brow and neither of them lets go.

 

Brendon wants _The Advocate_ , and Pete has never met anything he loves more than publicity, so he gets it for him. They all show up at his house on the day, even Zack, because Brendon needs his family, and that's what they are.

They ask the usual questions: Why now? When did he know? Does his family know? Is he seeing anyone special? Brendon is nervous and Jon and Spencer flank him, Ryan hovering on the arm of Brendon's sofa.

The article runs, and every thirteen-year-old girl with fantasies of becoming Mrs. Brendon Urie is crushed. Some of them weep. Some of them post vicious things on the Internet. All of them pay to come see Brendon sing every night. Spencer wants to hate them, but he can't. He's too busy making sure Brendon isn't cracking.

In the end, it doesn't matter much to anyone except Brendon, and Spencer thinks that was pretty much always the whole point of it anyway.

 

The new show doesn't have the staged "almost kiss", but Brendon still likes to get into Ryan's space. Spencer knows it's the one place where Brendon can demand Ryan's attention without worrying that Ryan might try to escape. Ryan is Brendon's captive audience, and Spencer is both touched and horrified when Ryan lets him get away with more than he ever did on the Circus tour.

"You're not helping," Spencer says after the Vegas show, when Ryan practically lets Brendon rub off on him on stage.

Ryan blinks innocently. "I'm being accepting, Spencer. I am the most accepting person ever."

Spencer huffs. "He _likes_ you, you idiot."

Ryan blinks again and then cackles so loudly that some of the techs look over to see what's so funny. "Oh my God, Spence. You're so stupid."

Spencer suddenly feels like he's missing something that everyone else has found, and he doesn't much like it. "Whatever," Spencer says pointing an accusing finger at Ryan. "Don't be an asshole. I have to go home now and see if Haley is awake enough to have some sex with me."

Ryan rolls his eyes. "Good luck with that." Spencer is already walking off toward the dressing room. He's hot and sweaty and in need of a shower but he really just wants to just go home and see Haley. Ryan's voice follows him down the hallway, shouting, "And don't _you_ be an asshole."

 

They take July off, and Spencer takes Haley to Hawaii. It's nice, warm, and they snorkel and take surfing lessons and Spencer wonders why Haley doesn't seem happy.

"Did I do something wrong?" Spencer asks on their last night. "Because I want to fix it if I can. I will fix it if I can."

Haley shakes her head against Spencer's chest, but Spencer doesn't feel any better.

 

The band goes to Australia, and Spencer goes three days without talking to Haley. When she finally calls him back she says she went home for a few days to see her parents. The wistful way she says "home" makes Spencer's stomach hurt.

He doesn't know what to say, and when they hang up, he doesn't say he misses her and she doesn't say she loves him.

 

They plan another tour, and Spencer goes home to find Haley sitting on the stairs with suitcases around her feet. There are tears shimmering in her eyes, and Spencer sits down next to her and holds her hand.

"Talk to me," Spencer finally says, after what feels like hours but is probably less than five minutes.

"I'm lonely, Spence," she says quietly and Spencer watches helplessly as a tear falls down her cheek.

"But you knew," Spencer says desperately. "You knew this is what it was going to be like. We've done this before."

"When I was living at home, Spencer. When I had my family and my friends and my school and my town. When you weren't the only thing I had to look forward to."

Spencer feels guilty and then angry, because she knew. She _knew_. "Regs is here," Spencer says and it feels lame in his mouth. Regan is a nice girl and a good friend, but she's not a reason to stay. Spencer knows he's the only reason to stay and he's not here, can't be here, won't.

"Regan has Shane and Shane is here," Haley says, and she doesn't sound angry, just resigned.

"I wish... Why didn't you tell me when I asked you? A hundred times I asked you what was wrong, Haley," Spencer is frustrated, his mind going over and over how he could have fixed it before they got here, how he can fix it even now.

"Because it wouldn't have made a difference," Haley says. "What would have happened? You'd give up the band and we'd stay home and have a couple of babies and live happily ever after?"

"But I love you," Spencer says, and he knows it's not fair. It's beyond unfair, but Spencer can't even feel bad about it if it will make her stay.

She doesn't stay. She kisses his cheek and she says, "It's not enough."

Spencer won't let her take a cab to the airport. He brought her here; the least he can do is get her home.

 

He wants to call Ryan, but Ryan is in New York for a week visiting Keltie. Jon's in Chicago and Jon knows anyway. Jon knows Spencer didn't just break up with his girlfriend of almost three years. Jon knows Spencer's _wife_ just left him.

Spencer calls Brendon, and Brendon shows up a half hour later with the biggest bottle of vodka Spencer's ever seen. They get quietly drunk, and Brendon keeps looking at Spencer like Spencer is going to fall apart any second.

"I'm fine, Bren," Spencer mumbles when Brendon finally moves from his place on the floor to hover over Spencer, who's sprawled drunkenly on his back.

"Yeah, okay," Brendon says, leaning over and putting his hands on Spencer's shoulders. His face is floating above Spencer's, and his brow is wrinkled with concern. "We should get you to bed."

Spencer doesn't think about it. Spencer can't really think about _anything_ , he's so drunk, but when Brendon leans down to put his hands under Spencer's arms, Spencer leans up and presses his mouth to Brendon's.

Brendon freezes, his shoulders set, his fingers digging into Spencer's skin under his arms. Spencer can feel Brendon's desire to move a fraction of a second before Brendon actually pulls away. He takes a startled breath. "Spence?" Brendon says, confused and maybe a little scared, if Spencer is reading the expression on Brendon's face correctly.

"I just... I need it," Spencer says, leaning up to nip at Brendon's bottom lip. Brendon shivers and tries to pull back again. Spencer knows he's the biggest jerk ever, knows he's not playing fair, knows he might possibly be fucking everything up in this moment, but he still hears himself say, "Don't. I need this. I need _you_ , Brendon."

All the tension slides out of Brendon's body then, and he falls against Spencer's mouth and opens up. His tongue is warm and slick in Spencer's mouth. He kisses like he does everything, quick; but precisely, carefully, meaningfully.

Spencer closes his eyes and digs in.

 

They fuck on the floor, Brendon on his hands and knees. Spencer pushes in slow, nothing slicking the way but spit and sweat and precome. Brendon keens and whines and Spencer thinks he's probably hurting him, but Brendon doesn't complain, just pants and pushes back when Spencer snaps his hips forward.

It's stupid, it's monumentally stupid for a hundred reasons that Spencer could list right now off the top of his head; Haley, Ryan, Jon... Spencer and Brendon too. There's a whole list of people that depend on them, on their band for their livelihood, and Spencer is fucking them all as hard as he's fucking Brendon.

Spencer closes his eyes and fucks Brendon faster, lets the sweat on his brow drip down into his eyes, lets his hair stick to the sides of his face, lets Brendon come with Spencer's hand wrapped around his dick.

Brendon goes boneless and Spencer lets go of his cock and uses that arm to hold Brendon up. He pulls out long enough to twist them, to drape Brendon over the arm of Haley's pristine leather couch before he pushes back inside Brendon's body.

Brendon shivers underneath him, moans, every time Spencer snaps his hips forward. Spencer digs his fingers into Brendon's hips, knows he's probably leaving marks, and thinks, _good, good, so good_.

There's a fevered part of his brain that actually hopes he's hurting Brendon. Brendon is his, one of his best friends, his bandmate, and in the frantic moment before climax Spencer likes knowing that maybe somewhere in the world, maybe right here beneath him, there is someone else that hurts as badly as he does right now.

He pushes in hard two more times, his hips snapping with so much force that Brendon's body slides forward across the arm of the couch. It's too much, too hot and too tight. Brendon moans beneath him again and Spencer comes, biting into the flesh of Brendon's shoulder.

He wakes up on the floor hours later, a headache behind his eyes and at the back of his head. He smells like sweat and come and he's dimly aware that not all of it is his. The house is empty, and something ugly settles in Spencer's stomach.

He sits up quickly, leans over the arm of the couch and throws up all over cool, brown leather.

 

Brendon acts like nothing happened, and it makes Spencer crazy. He knows he'd feel worse if Brendon wanted to talk about it, or if -- God forbid -- he'd been so messed up over it that he couldn't even look at Spencer. Still, it pisses Spencer off. Brendon is like a bruise on his skin, something foreign, and painful, and frustrating enough that Spencer wants to poke at him until he looks up, until he _notices_ that Spencer is right here.

There are subtle changes. Brendon becomes less tactile, makes sure to sit on the opposite end of the couch when they're doing interviews and never slings his arm companionably around Spencer's waist and hip anymore.

The more Brendon pulls away, the angrier Spencer gets, and even though it's not Brendon's fault, it feels easier, better to blame him. Spencer gets more scathing, bitter. He goes out of his way to make Brendon the butt of every joke. Ryan doesn't seem to notice, but Ryan rarely notices anything that doesn't pertain to him personally. Jon definitely notices something is wrong, and as Spencer gets more and more vicious, Jon's looks go from concerned to angry. Spencer can see he wants to say something in the way his mouth is set and his eyes are narrowed, but Spencer brushes past him every time Jon opens his mouth.

 

When they get a hotel room these days, Ryan and Spencer end up in one, Jon and Brendon in the other. They're in New Orleans for two days in early December, and they all decide to go out the first night, fresh off the bus. Brendon wanders off and loses himself on the dance floor, and Spencer can only watch him grinding up against other people for so long.

"I'm going back," he shouts, and Jon raises an eyebrow, but Ryan just nods, follows Spencer's exit with worried eyes.

Spencer takes a shower and watches the last half hour of a CSI rerun. He looks up when the door opens, and Brendon is standing in the short hallway, the closed door at his back. He looks like he's trying to decide whether or not he should run.

Spencer looks at him and Brendon's hair is mussed, his eyes glassy and his mouth slightly swollen, and Spencer has a sudden and nasty surge of jealousy when he realizes what it all means.

"Um," Brendon says nervously, tugging on the ends of his hair. "I think Zack mixed up the keys."

Spencer nods and slides off the bed and Brendon takes an instinctual step back. Spencer feels something snap in his chest, like a branch under a shoe and he's across the room before Brendon even has a second to blink.

Spencer presses him up against the door and sucks Brendon's bottom lip into his mouth. Brendon inhales sharply and makes his body rigid until Spencer boosts him up by pushing his thigh between Brendon's legs. He goes soft after that, wraps his legs around Spencer's back and acquiesces. His mouth opens up for Spencer, his fingers digging into Spencer's hair.

Spencer grunts, nips at the tender flesh of Brendon's bottom lip again and again until Brendon is moaning with each sharp bite of Spencer's teeth.

Spencer rips his mouth away long enough to lick up the side of Brendon's neck and whisper harsh in his ear, "Tell me you want this. Say you want this."

Brendon squeezes his eyes shut and thumps his head against the wall hard and says, "Spencer."

Spencer thinks that's good enough.

Spencer can feel Brendon's erection pressing against his thigh. Brendon's mouth is hot against his and his tongue is licking into Spencer's mouth slow and wet. Spencer moans and Brendon whimpers and presses his hips against Spencer's where they're lined up.

"I want your mouth," Spencer says, breathless, shaky.

Brendon shudders against him, his breath coming out in short bursts against Spencer's mouth and he swallows hard before he nods. "Yes. Okay. On the bed," Brendon says.

Brendon drops his legs like he expects Spencer to put him down, but Spencer's not ready to let him go. He twists around, walks them toward the bed while he continues to lick into Brendon's mouth.

Brendon wraps his legs tight around Spencer's waist and keeps making these noises, needful and raw, and Spencer has never been so turned on in his entire life. He could probably come from this, the press of their hips and Brendon kissing him hard and wet.

"God, your mouth," Spencer says again, dropping Brendon onto the bed and Brendon's hands go to Spencer's sweat pants, sliding them off his hips to hang under the curve of his ass and across his thighs.

Brendon pushes Spencer back a step, slides to his knees, and looks up when he takes Spencer in. Spencer watches Brendon's eyelashes flutter, but he doesn't close his eyes, doesn't look away, not even when Spencer thrusts in hard, hitting the back of Brendon's throat.

Brendon gags a little, but when Spencer pushes back in, he opens his throat and takes Spencer deep. Spencer groans and presses his thumb against Brendon's bottom lip where it's red and raw. It makes him wonder if he's the first person Brendon has done this for tonight, and he can't help it when words start spilling from his mouth.

"You look good on your knees," Spencer says and Brendon hums, closes his eyes and sucks Spencer in harder. "Who else?" Spencer asks, breath panting out, and Spencer is so close he has to bite viciously into his bottom lip to keep from coming.

Brendon makes an inquisitive noise. It's the only answer Spencer's going to get with his cock shoved down Brendon's throat, but he asks again anyway. "Who else has been where I am right now?"

Brendon's eyebrows draw together and he sucks harder, swallows around Spencer's cock with his fingers digging into the fleshy part of Spencer's hips, and Spencer comes with the rush of blood, ringing in his ears.

Brendon keeps sucking gently until Spencer's knees go weak, and he slides to the floor at the same time his cock slides out of Brendon's mouth.

Brendon leans against Spencer's chest, rolling his head against Spencer's shoulder and Spencer's about to reach between them and work Brendon's jeans open when he hears Ryan's voice, not quite in the room yet, saying, "Hey, I think Zack fucked the keys up."

Brendon stiffens and tries to push away just as Ryan steps out of the hallway and into the room. "Holy shit," he says, and Spencer can only imagine what his face must look like.

Spencer isn't looking at Ryan, though; he can't take his eyes off Brendon's face as _he_ looks at Ryan, eyes pleading, like he's trying to apologize for something.

Spencer doesn't know what's happening with Ryan behind his back, but he gets the gist of it when he hears the hotel room door open again, and then Brendon is pushing away, untangling the two of them as he practically runs to follow Ryan out of the hotel room.

 

Spencer doesn't go after them. He ends up curled up in his bed, his face toward the door as he waits for one of them to come back. His heart hammers in his chest when the door opens an hour later, and then Jon is standing between the two beds, his face hard.

"What the fuck are you thinking?" Jon asks, and his voice is harder than Spencer's ever heard it. Spencer's chest hurts and he wants to ask why Ryan didn't come back. He wants to ask where Brendon is. He wants to ask if Jon will ever forgive him, if any of them will.

He rolls over and faces the window instead, closes his eyes.

Jon is silent until Spencer hears him sigh, and then he can hear the click of Jon's zipper and the rustle of fabric as Jon gets ready for bed. Jon's noisy, like he doesn't care if he's keeping Spencer up. He throws pillows off his bed, rustles the sheets when he climbs inside and Spencer says angrily into his pillow, "I wasn't the only one there. He didn't exactly say no."

Spencer knows it's a crap excuse. It's not _untrue_ , but Spencer started it, and he knows he shouldn't have, if not for Brendon then for the band. They've been here before, and yeah, last time it worked out for the best because they got Jon, but Spencer knows that was a fluke, or maybe a gift from God. Shit like that doesn't often happen twice.

It's also not like they can replace Brendon, not like they _would_ , anyway, and Ryan might be mad at Spencer -- he might even be furious -- but Spencer doesn't think for a minute that Ryan would ever consider replacing _him_. So, yeah. Spencer has no idea what he was thinking, except that he wanted Brendon, has _always_ wanted Brendon, and for once there didn't seem to be anything standing in his way.

"He didn't say no," Spencer says again, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

Jon's voice is still angry when he says, "He's in love with you. He's in love with you and you're in love with her and that makes _you_ the asshole, Spence."

Spencer thinks maybe he's deaf because he can't hear anything past his own heartbeat and Jon's still talking, he thinks, but if there are words, Spencer can't hear them. He inhales sharply and rolls over, tries to make out Jon's features in the dark as he says, "What? He... what?" and his voice is maybe a little bit reverent, a little bit awe struck because, seriously, _what_?

Jon sits up then, throws his feet over the edge of the bed and says, "Holy shit, Spence."

Spencer rolls onto his back and closes his eyes and hopes that if he can't see Jon, Jon will stop being able to see him. He knows his plan fails when he feels his covers being pulled back and then Jon is there saying, "Scoot over," and wrapping himself around Spencer's body.

Spencer takes in a shaky breath and bites his lip to keep his eyes from tearing up.

Jon says, "So, how long?"

Spencer swallows hard and laughs, one of those laughs that isn't funny. It's either laugh or cry, and Spencer isn't sure he'll ever stop if he gives into the second. "The first time I saw him." Spencer says quietly. "It was a Wednesday. It was hotter than hell, and his hair was stupid-looking from the heat and sweat, and he tripped over his untied shoelace on his way through the door."

Jon snorts into Spencer's shirt where his head is resting on Spencer's chest. "That's our Brendon," he says quietly.

"Yeah," Spencer says, and it feels like his chest is bound tight in twine and Jon is picking slowly at the knots with each breath against Spencer's chest. Jon laces their fingers together and Spencer feels the tightness loosen further.

"What about Haley?" Jon asks. There's nothing accusing, nothing cruel. It's just a question and Spencer takes a deep breath and says, "She isn't here." Jon stiffens a little against him and Spencer tightens his knuckles where they're linked with Jon's before he continues, "I don't particularly want her to be."

"Oh," Jon says.

Spencer says, "Yeah, oh."

"Okay then," Jon says before he yawns loudly. "We'll figure this out tomorrow. We should get a little sleep while we can."

Spencer waits for Jon to unwrap himself and go back to his own bed and is enormously grateful when Jon just snuggles in closer, his head on Spencer's shoulder and their fingers still linked. Spencer drifts off, but he doesn't let go.

 

In the morning, Spencer wakes up to an empty bed, and when he sits up, he finds Ryan sitting on Jon's bed, legs crossed and chewing on his thumbnail.

"Hey," Spencer says.

Ryan nods but doesn't say anything, and finally Spencer pulls back his covers and gets up to piss. He brushes his teeth, too, and when he comes out of the bathroom, Ryan is still sitting on the bed, but he's turned his body toward the door so that Spencer's forced to look him in the eye.

"So, how's married life?" Ryan asks. He seems fine, like he's making pleasant conversation, but Spencer's known Ryan forever, and he isn't fooled. Ryan's hurt, and they're apparently having this out right now in some random hotel room, only Spencer doesn't really feel like playing.

"Pretty shitty, actually," Spencer says, and he sounds exhausted, _is_ exhausted.

Ryan opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times, and Spencer thinks he looks a little like Pac Man.

"Married," Ryan mutters under his breath, and Spencer closes his eyes in relief, because now he can hear anger underneath the hurt. Anger he can handle. Anger he can fix.

"I'm sorry," Spencer says, and Ryan laughs short and ugly, fires back, "For what, exactly? The list is getting pretty long, Spencer."

Spencer winces and takes a steady breath. "For not telling you about me and Haley, for starters."

"You know what? I can't do this right now," Ryan says, getting up. "I never thought, not in a million years, that I would take Brendon's side on something, but fuck, Spence. This is all kinds of fucked up."

"Does he know?" Spencer asks, because Jon's obviously stopped keeping Spencer's secret, and Spencer can't even be mad at him about it, but he needs to know. He needs to figure out how bad things are going to be with Brendon.

"Yes, he knows," Ryan says.

"Is he... How is he?" Spencer asks, trying to read Ryan's expression, but Ryan is even stonier than usual, and not even Spencer's lifetime of deciphering Ryan's looks are getting him anywhere this morning.

"How do you think?" Ryan snaps. "I have to go. The bus is leaving in twenty minutes; you should be downstairs by then."

"I love him," Spencer blurts out to Ryan's retreating back.

Ryan stops with the door half-opened, the set of his shoulders relaxing a little before he says quietly, "Then stop using it to hurt him."

 

Spencer doesn't know if Jon and Ryan had some kind of meeting, but they trade places after that. Jon rooms with Spencer, Ryan rooms with Brendon, and they keep the two of them away from each other as often as possible when they're on the bus.

Ryan and Brendon somehow end up with the back lounge and Jon and Spencer stay up front, crammed onto the small couch that doubles as a breakfast table in the mornings. Spencer feels like maybe Jon drew the short straw, and he feels kind of bad for him.

Jon doesn't stay away from Brendon or Ryan, but Ryan's still barely speaking to Spencer, and Brendon's not speaking to him at all, so Jon stays close and Spencer's so grateful he's not completely alone that he could cry.

Two weeks until the end of the tour they play two nights in Chicago and Spencer texts Haley and asks her to come meet him after the first show.

Zack brings her backstage when she arrives, and Spencer hugs her close. He's been lonely, and despite everything that's happened between them, he knows she'll hug him back. It's a nice thing to know.

Brendon walks out of the room without saying a word and Ryan follows a second later, Jon another second after that but at least he attempts a tight smile in Spencer's direction before he goes.

"Wow," Haley says, pulling away from Spencer. "Was it something I said?"

Spencer gives her a reassuring pat on her arm and says, "It wasn't you."

Haley nods and says, "So, you wanted to talk?"

 

Haley blinks a few times and Spencer can tell she's blinking back tears. "So, did you... When we were together, did you ever..."

"No," Spencer says truthfully. "Not until after you left."

Haley nods and then pushes off the couch in Jon's apartment to pace around the living room. Jon's with Cassie, and he promised he wouldn't be home until the next afternoon; Spencer didn't want to talk to Haley about this in the sterility of a hotel room.

"But this isn't new," she says, wringing her hands together nervously. "I mean, you obviously wanted him while we were together."

"No," Spencer says. It's a lie, but Spencer knows sometimes a lie is better than the truth. Sometimes a lie is necessary, and Haley has always deserved so much more than Spencer could ever give her. A lie is the least he can do. "No," Spencer says again. "Before you, and now after, but never while we were together. I was happy with you."

Spencer can tell Haley doesn't really believe him, but there isn't anything he can do about that, and he knew before he brought her here tonight that she would leave hurt and sad. He feels bad, but there isn't anything he can do about that, either, so he says, "I want a divorce," and watches as Haley sinks back down onto the couch.

 

Spencer waits until they're back on the bus before he tries to talk to Brendon. When they get to the next city, Jon drags Ryan off to one of the crew buses, and Spencer makes a mental note to buy Jon the biggest bottle of Jack Daniels he can find.

Brendon is in the back of the bus messing around on Jon's bass, and Spencer sees his fingers stiffen against the strings when Spencer come through the door.

Spencer has this entire speech he's been practicing in the mirror for the last 24 hours, but when he opens his mouth, "I asked Haley for a divorce," is what comes out.

Brendon doesn't flinch. He doesn't even blink, he just gets up and walks out without saying a word.

Spencer doesn't give up. He corners Brendon in the kitchen, follows him around the venue, makes sure he calls for the shower after Brendon's so that Brendon is forced to pass him in the doorway.

At breakfast, Brendon asks for the syrup and when Spencer passes it to him, he skims his fingertips over the back of Brendon's hand. Brendon gets up and walks out, and after Jon and Ryan share a look, Jon gets up and follows.

"Stop it," Ryan hisses, leaning forward to glare at Spencer.

Spencer cocks his eyebrow and says, "So we're speaking again?"

Ryan looks away to stare out the window, and when he looks back he says, "I was hurt."

Spencer acknowledges Ryan's words with a nod of his head and then swallows hard. "Are you still hurt?"

"Yes, but I miss you. I... I want to forgive you. I want you to forgive me."

"What am I forgiving you for?" Spencer asks because he honestly doesn't think Ryan's done anything wrong.

"I haven't exactly been a shining example of what a best friend is supposed to be," Ryan says softly.

Spencer gets up and moves to the other side of the table to sit next to Ryan. "Me either," he says. "I'm not averse to calling it even and moving on."

Ryan leans into him and Spencer feels his head move against Spencer's collarbone. "I like that plan."

The sit like that for a few minutes, Ryan's head on Spencer shoulder, both of them breathing quietly, and Spencer feels like he's just gotten back a limb he's been missing. Eventually, Ryan sits up and says, "So as my best friend, I need you to do me a favor."

Spencer swallows, knows what's coming when Ryan continues with, "I need you to leave Brendon alone."

"I can't," Spencer whispers.

"And I can't make you," Ryan says gently. "But if you really love him, maybe you should do what he's asking you to do."

"He isn't asking me anything," Spencer says, jaw clenched tight. "He won't talk to me at all."

Ryan sighs and says, "Maybe you're just not listening."

 

"So I have this speech," Spencer says walking into the back lounge.

Ryan and Jon and Brendon all look up, but Spencer is only looking at Brendon. "I love you," Spencer says and Brendon's eyes widen and then get impossibly bigger when both Jon and Ryan get up quickly and rush out of the room.

"I love you," Spencer says again. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember."

Brendon doesn't say anything, but he doesn't leave either and Spencer counts that as a win.

"I really fucked up," Spencer says. Brendon snorts and rolls his eyes and Spencer's heart beat trips faster in his chest because this is the most animated Brendon's been around him in more than a month. "I know I don't deserve it, but I hope someday, eventually, you can forgive me and I just wanted to say that even if you don't ever forgive me, I'm not going anywhere."

Brendon looks up at that, his eyes narrowing and Spencer rushes on before he loses his nerve. "I just wanted you to know that I heard you. I'm going to leave you alone... or... I'm not going to bother you anymore, but I'm not going anywhere, either. I'm going to be right here so that if you ever decide you want to be right here with me, you'll know where to find me."

Brendon swallows hard twice and then stands up and walks toward Spencer. Spencer's heart leaps for one triumphant second before Brendon keeps walking, brushing past Spencer and walking out of the lounge. Spencer doesn't follow him.

 

A week later Spencer wakes up in his bunk to the sweet smell of coffee. His mouth is watering by the time he makes his way to the front of the bus.

"I could kiss you, Jon Walker," Spencer says coming out of the hallway only to find Brendon standing at the small counter. "Oh," Spencer says, stalling, coming up short. "Sorry."

Brendon stares at him, but doesn't say anything and Spencer takes the hint and starts backing out of the room.

He turns at the same time that Brendon sighs and says, "Spencer." Brendon sounds annoyed and resigned and maybe a little bit irritated, but Spencer still shivers at the sound of his name in Brendon's voice. He hasn't heard it in more days than he can cares to count.

Spencer turns back, says, "Yeah," and watches as Brendon's tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip nervously.

"You want a waffle?" Brendon asks holding up the box in his hand.

Spencer can barely breathe so he just nods and watches as Brendon puts two waffles in the toaster and pushes the button down.

When Brendon looks back up, Spencer smiles at him tentatively, and Spencer's heart twists tight in his chest when Brendon smiles back.

 

There isn't some grand reunion.

They finish their tour and they go home. Spencer signs divorce papers and sells his house and gives Haley half the money. Then he moves in with Ryan for two months, until he finds another house, smaller, but with room for a piano in the living room just in case.

Ryan moves in with him later that summer when he forgets to pay his electric bill, and he stays for two months until Keltie comes to visit. She calls the electric company and sets up automatic bill pay on one of Ryan's credit cards, and then Ryan goes home.

Brendon goes to Chicago and stays with Jon for a couple of months while he helps Patrick produce The Cab's second album.

Jon and Cassie get engaged, and Ryan and Spencer fly to Chicago to celebrate with them. When they come home, they bring Jon with them, and they go back to work, put out an acoustic album, plan a new tour.

Life goes on. Spencer doesn't date anyone else, ever. Sometimes Brendon does, and Spencer does his best to smile through it.

They do an interview for the new album, and the reporter asks the usual bullshit questions. They give the usual bullshit answers until she turns to Jon and says, "I hear congratulations are in order?"

Jon flushes a little, but he recovers quickly and nods his head jerkily, a dopey smile plastered on his face. "Yeah, yes," he says scratching the back of his neck. "I got engaged earlier this year."

"Congratulations," she says before she turns her attention to Ryan. "Any wedding bells in your future, Ryan?"

Ryan smiles and says, "You never know."

"And Brendon? Any potential guys you want to tell us about?"

Brendon gives her a wicked smile and winks when he says, "They can't seem to pin me down hard enough to get me to stick it out for the long haul."

Jon snorts and says, "Behave," as he pinches Brendon's arm.

Spencer hopes the lady will get distracted watching them, and she does for a second before she zeros in on Spencer. "What about you, Spencer? We know you broke up with your longtime girlfriend not too long ago. Anyone special on the horizon?"

Spencer takes a deep breath and says, "Actually, there is a someone. Unfortunately, he's still on the fence about whether or not I'm _his_ someone. So, I'm waiting. We'll see."

The reporter inhales sharply and it's so loud, Spencer almost misses Brendon's accompanying gasp.

Almost.

 

So, that's the real story.

Spencer waits, and this time, it's a Friday, and Spencer's bored, just messing around in their practice space. It's raining for once, and when Brendon comes through the door, his hair is sticking up from the wet and humidity. He doesn't trip, but he does walk back behind Spencer's kit and pull him up by the front of his shirt to crash their mouths together.

"Hi," Brendon says when they break apart. "What are you doing?"

Spencer doesn't have a clue, but he wants to keep on doing it. He kind of loses all brain function when Brendon kisses him again and when they break apart, Spencer blurts out, "There's room in my living room for your piano."

Brendon's laugh is loud and bright and he says, "Good to know." Then, he leans in again to press their lips together, both of them lingering over it, exploring with tongue and teeth until Spencer can barely feel his lips anymore.

"Hi," Brendon says again when they have to stop to breathe.

Spencer makes an incoherent noise and Brendon smiles and kisses him again and again before he says, "I think we should be done waiting now."

Spencer says, "Yes. Yes, okay."


End file.
